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Riddle, Mystery, Enigma?
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Date:2008-11-14 23:22
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:predatory

As seasoned experts of Risk are well aware, now is the time of Autumn and Winter where we stay inside all warm and plot our strategies for the spring military campaign. Unless you're stupid and/or French.

As you also know, I am certainly not short of plots, far from it. So many "countries", so little time. I hear Sevastopol is lovely in the summer.

But enough of this for the moment. I would like to address two pernicious pieces of "news" flying about. Firstly, the rumours that I am preparing to "return" to power (hee hee) shortly and stay there for at least twelve years. I would like to make the following two statements:

1. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin has no interest in becoming President again or taking advantage of alterations in the sacred constitution to serve as President for the next decade. He would prefer to be like Cincinnatus and rest, having done all he can for his country.

2. Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin is also willing, like Cincinnatus, to sacrifice his objections to the first statement if the fatherland Russia needs his unique powers as a saviour. Despite Vladimir Vladimirovich's great skill and wisdom, Russia's need is so great that this may take twelve years and or more.

3. Vladimir Vladimirovich does not believe that referring to yourself in 3rd person is the sign of a meglomaniacal tyrant.

4. Vladimir Vladimirovich would also like tell critics who point out that he has made 3 statements, instead of the promised 2, that he has a habit of always exceeding expectations, and if they don't like it, they can send him their complaints with a stamped addressed envelope (must apply the correct postage for the weight of 200g of polonium).


All right, second rumour scurrying rebelliously about:

In an interview with the magazine Le Nouvel Observateur, Mr Levitte said it happened after Sarkozy told Putin the world would not accept Russia toppling Georgian leader Mikhail Saakashvili and installing a puppet government.
*innocent* Would I do that?
Mr Putin stormed: ‘I am going to hang Saakashvili by the balls.’

Mr Sarkozy responded: ‘Hang him?’

Putin said: ‘Why not? The Americans hanged Saddam Hussein.’

Mr Sarkozy replied: ‘Yes, but do you want to end up like Bush?’

Mr Putin was briefly lost for words before answering: ‘Ah, you have scored a point there.’

Mr Sarkozy’s advisers said later the exchange marked the moment that Mr Sarkozy persuaded Mr Putin and President Dmitry Medvedev to begin withdrawing troops from Georgia.
Ha ha ha, sarko_le_grand. Most amusing. I do believe your recollection of our conversation might be slightly tainted due to the copious quantities of vodka-flavoured ice cream you consumed during said conversation?

I don't know what is most amusing about this. Perhaps the fact that you believed I would overturn an entire winter's plotting because you asked me so very nicely? Also, I don't see the problem you have with my expression of hanging Mischa by the balls. Have you forgotten how you are fantasizing plotting to "hang" my good friend dominiquelechic "on a butcher's hook"?

Let's talk some more about that matter, Nicolas, when we have our next discussions on Georgia and Ukraine and any other country I can see from my desk.


As for you, Dominique, let me wish you happy birthday, of course, and good luck for your work in Sofia (it's quite near to Moscow, did you know?). Does promising not to invade Bulgaria for the next five years count as a birthday present?

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Date:2008-10-13 20:03
Subject:
Security:Public

Russian traitors, you can relax; this year my birthday present was:

Meet Putin's softer side...his pet tiger cub!"
Times UK
Cute, right? I mean me, not the tiger cub. But I'm a little worried about the caption under that picture: "Vladimir Putin gazes longingly at his tiger cub".

If anyone wants to gaze longingly at something, it should be my new Judo DVD, which is, according to journalists (and you know I would never like to contradict or criticize them) "yet another display of my masculinity."

You may remember I mentioned this DVD to you several months ago when we were making it. As my...*cough*...er...masculinity is already well known, I think a better tag-line for it would be what I said before: "If you've ever wanted to watch me roll around with men and press my body against them, this is the DVD for you."

Anyway, I expect all of you will be in a hurry to purchase a copy. No discounts offered, I'm afraid. If you're a Westerner, Russia has sold off far too many of its vital natural resources to you at a cheap price already. And if you're a respectable patriot Russian, you should willingly sacrifice your last kopeck for this. On that note, apologies to those faithful citizens who have left me such endearing comments: as this journal is a key part of our Russian KGB overseas propaganda network, I employ an Anglophone secretary to type up my dictation.

(btw, thank you to Dominique for the private birthday wishes, but you will not induce me to leave Georgia...ok...well, I'll think about it...maybe...yes, fine, dammit!)

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Date:2008-09-01 16:07
Subject:Vlad 1, Tiger 0
Security:Public
Mood:manly

"Vladimir Putin the macho hero saves journalists from a grisly death at the jaws of a Siberian tiger."


*modest smile* All in a day's work.

Hmm...perhaps this will be good for my karma, saving the lives of journalists for once.

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Date:2008-08-09 00:52
Subject:Vladia
Security:Public
Mood:provoked

Greetings from Beijing, where I have come to watch the Olympic Opening Ceremony with the other Presidents. Oops! This is not of course my mistake. I am simply quoting some of the western media, who wrote:

World leaders, including U.S. President George W Bush, Russian President Vladimir Putin and French President Nicolas Sarkozy, arrived in China today for the ceremony.

And as we all know, you cannot criticize Western media without being accused of trying to suppress it, so I shall graciously allow this error to stand uncorrected. Dmitri won't complain. Although he has been whining a little recently, especially when he complained that foreign visitors will be confused by my maintaining the Kremlin presidential office. I eventually conceded he had a point and so ordered the stationery cupboard in my office cleared out and pushed him inside. When foreign dignitaries wish to see him, I open the door and let him pretend it is his office.

So given my generosity, Dmitri is in no such position to make public complaints. Literally, actually, because I locked him in the cupboard before leaving for Beijing. Don't worry, I gave him enough food for the weekend, and he is trained to use the litter box already.

Not that Dmitri and I have any problems, but it has kept him out of my hair during today's fun in South Ossetia. Too many cooks, and all that... So, I suppose you are looking for some kind of justification for Russia's Rightful "Invasion" of Georgia? Such an action needs no justification. Its soul is just enough. And as we all know, all of that area rightfully belongs to Russia, and so we could not possibly have "invaded it". They may think they had independence from us back in the 1990s, but we can certainly challenge its legality using the "Our President Was Completely Stonking Pissed When He Agreed, So It Doesn't Count, So There!" Defence.

The West took advantage of beautiful maiden Russia and her drunk chaperon like a date rapist! *tries to calm down* It is difficult to maintain my composure on this. Especially when I think of the hypocrisy involved. How long have they claimed that The Province That Must Not Be Named But Begins With A C And Is Rightfully Part Of Russia deserves independence because most of its people want to leave us? And yet they ignore how every last man, woman, and cow in South Ossetia and Abkhazia want to leave Georgia and return to Russia!!!!!!!!!

But I have worse grievances with Georgia, worse than their hypocrisy over sovereignty, and the way they took advantage of Russia:

For years, Georgia has provocatively flaunted its Slavic treachery and bias towards the West. Now, one of my best qualities is my tolerance, and of course I could forgive them simply if they were quiet about their disgusting affliction, but no, they positively FLAUNT it. Take when I demanded simply that they take a tiny pro-active step to lessen their ties with America by renaming their country from Georgia to Vladia.

Even the Ukraine, which spends more time with fratboydoesgood than what is good for them, would not have and maintain such a provocative name. But Georgia refused, and now they will have what is coming to them. Comrade Wolf is tired of being humiliated by his dinner! So we will have South Ossetia back, thank you very much, along with Abkhazia.

And then maybe Vladia for dessert.

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Date:2008-05-13 15:02
Subject:"Putin Bolsters Power With Cabinet Choices"
Security:Public
Mood:pretending to be number 2


The American papers are busy stirring up trouble again, seeing shadows and plots where everything is really light and openness. I don't know why they seem to place such great significance on the seat I took at the table when I announced the members of my cabinet. If anyone had bothered to ask Dmitri, I'm sure he'd have told them that he was much more comfortable sitting where I told him to where he did.

As for wondering what my good friend Igor's duties as deputy prime minister will be, isn't it obvious? I'm grooming him as my successor. *does not smirk*

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Date:2008-05-07 15:18
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:still powerful


free hit counter script
After my relaxing holiday with Silvio at his secluded island villa, I felt very calm and relaxed during yesterday's handover of absolute power.

Thank you all for the messages and cards of good luck for my new job which I start today. And yes, it was very kind of Dmitri to offer me the post of Prime Minister. I have no doubt he will be an excellent President, as of course I have been training him most diligently for the past year.



Here I am trying to teach him how to make a Presidential Press Conference Gesture to Journalists.

He's a little slow, and it took him a long time to learn, but I am confident he's ready for the responsibilities of great power. So confident that I think I will let him decide whether to put one or two lumps of sugar in my tea today.

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Date:2008-04-20 11:54
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:embarrassed

free hit counter script

All right. *sigh* I suppose this has to be done sooner or later. No, the rumours that I have divorced Lyuda and am planning to marry a "nubile 24 year old gymnast" are untrue. Perhaps I ought to be flattered, but at the moment I am rather hoping for an earthquake to occur so I can slip through the ground and hide under it. As I told the press, I would prefer people keep their "snotty noses and fantasies" out of my private life.

Obviously this was an attack attempting to humiliate me. You may be surprised, those of you who know my sensitive soul, to learn I have many enemies. Not quite as many enemies as I used to (*cough*) but virulent aggressive foes still remain.

Many are under a bizarre delusion that I do not intend to give up all my power. That poor Dmitri Medvedev will be my puppet. I deny this as well. Critics with nothing better to do point out how I "symbolically" refused to hang President Dmitri's portrait in my office. I found the very suggestion ridiculous. Why would I need to hang Dmitri's portrait when I will see him every day when he comes to bring me my cup of tea?

Anyway...I had a nice dinner with alex_lebedev, and he had already agreed to close down his slanderous paper before the starter came. So that's that, then. And now I intend to enjoy the rest of my holiday in Italy with Silvio and his fake volcano, with not a gymnast in sight. If the snotty journalists will allow this.

However, it was a Russian journalist who asked Mr Putin the question at his press conference in Sardinia. Mr Berlusconi, who earlier this week joked that Italy would be better off without newspapers, apparently raised his fingers and pretended to shoot the offending journalist, which his spokesman later referred to as a "playful gesture".

Mr Berlusconi's meeting with Mr Putin at his villa was the first meeting with a world leader since his re-election. Mr Putin said he had asked for the meeting before he knew the election results: "I haven't seen him for a long time. I missed him."


Should I expect rumours now that I have divorced Lyuda to marry Silvio?

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Date:2008-02-13 13:43
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:grateful

Oops, I did it again?

Only joking. Will no one believe I had nothing to do with this? I'm just very lucky that those I don't like keep dropping dead. There's no conspiracy in it. I simply go to church every week with a selection of my devout KGB friends and then pray out loud that God will rid me of my enemies.

Do hack journalists really have nothing better to do than accuse me of murder?

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Date:2008-02-05 19:38
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:slandered

  I never like this time of year.  I’m not complaining about the ice, the frost, the cold, for I have always felt quite at home in this climate.  Although you may be surprised to know that I do have a very sunny personality.  I just like to keep it hidden behind layers and layers of dark totalitarian rain clouds to surprise people.

Anyway, this is the time of year that certain reports and wads of useless paper come out.  It is the time of year that “non-governmental (HAH!) organizations” like Freedom House, Human Rights Watch, Democracy blah blah blah blah reports, etc, are published, giving information on “progress” or decline in human rights standards in all states.

I dread this time of year like an oligarch dreads the deadline for tax form submissions. 

But 2008 is rather different.  Not that they are finally seeing the light and praising Russia, because I’m pretty sure they’re not.  I didn’t actually bother to read the reports, but I glanced at the title of “Despots Masquerading as Democrats”  (http://www.theotherrussia.org/2008/02/04/human-rights-watch-blasts-putins-russia/), and there was something also about me being called “brutal” (sunny personality, people!  It’s there deep down.)

So apparently Russia has lost some points on the “freedom” index from last year.  And here is the interesting bit:  how do they know?!   Consider these two points:

1.  It takes months of long research in the target country to evaluate its freedom and human rights level.  They have to laboriously research and travel in Russia and interview my people. 


  1.  After 2007’s bad rating, I banned these bastards from analyzing the freedom of my people.  I chucked out all these “NGOs” and stopped them from talking to my beloved Russian people, who have enough worries on their sweet heads than talk of human rights.



So how can they determine that Russia is less free?! 

Shoddy work, is what this is.  I shall be writing a letter to them all to complain.  I mean, we all know they’re CIA fronts, but you’d think they would try to make their cover believable! 

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Date:2007-12-25 21:45
Subject:
Security:Public

Did some cleaning around the dacha before Dominique came to stay a few weeks ago, and I think now is a good time to do some renovation on my journal. Both my profile page and icons have been updated.

Christmas is not celebrated in Russia for quite a while, but I thought I'd pop up to reassure you that I am not letting the onerous responsibility of power weaken my health. I even asked Santa for some more power. Medvedev had better deliver, or there will be coal for him next Christmas. ( A great deal of it, actually.). I suppose I should also ask for something to be done about this, but last time I made a similar request, the world picked on me.

I haven't felt much like posting because it seems I can't do anything without being criticized (except by those understanding people at Time magazine). Take the recent elections. No, they weren't free, but who cares? They were democratic. I know what the people want. Also, my popularity climbed to 101% last week, so clearly this shows the elections were democratic. Not like the ones in Western countries, such as Britain, where parties "win" with only 35% of the vote at best. Clearly they are jealous and wish to attack me to cover up their own democratic failures. Like I said earlier this year, only Gandhi would have understood me, because we are so similar.

Still, there is one thing not even westerners could criticize is my new Judo DVD. If you've ever wanted to watch me roll around with men and press my body against them, this is the DVD for you.
.
That really cheered me up this month, until a libel was published about my having amassed 20 billion pounds through corruption.

I need not tell you what ridiculous propaganda this is. These Western journalists have clearly not heard of my new DVD. Let's see... 20 billion British pounds (2,000,000,000,000) is about 979,479,459,652,180.88 rubles. Now, Russia has 141,377,752 loyal, patriotic citizens. Set a reasonable price of about 2,448.70 rubles (50 British pounds), and you do the maths.

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Date:2007-07-05 15:58
Subject:
Security:Public

Oh dear, the secret's out... (Don't tell George, he'll never leave me alone.)

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